Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children:
Managing Tantrums and Big Emotions
Emotional intelligence is one of the most valuable skills we can nurture in our children. It helps them navigate relationships, manage challenges, and develop resilience. As parents, fostering empathy, self-regulation, and strong communication skills can set the foundation for lifelong emotional well-being. A crucial part of this journey is learning to manage tantrums and big emotions in an age-appropriate way.
Understanding Emotional Intelligence in Children
Emotional intelligence (EQ) refers to the ability to recognise, understand, and regulate emotions. It plays a key role in social interactions, problem-solving, and self-awareness. According to Raising Children Network, a trusted Australian parenting resource, children develop emotional intelligence through observation, guidance, and secure relationships.
Children with strong emotional intelligence are more likely to:
- Develop healthy relationships
- Express emotions appropriately
- Navigate social situations with confidence
- Show empathy towards others
- Cope with frustration and setbacks
Teaching Empathy, Self-Regulation, and Communication
Empathy, self-regulation, and communication skills form the pillars of emotional intelligence. Here’s how we can support our children in developing these essential skills:
Modelling Empathy
Children learn empathy by watching how we interact with them and others. When they experience care and understanding, they naturally extend this to others. Some ways to model empathy include:
- Acknowledging their feelings (“I can see you’re really upset about that.”)
- Demonstrating kindness in daily interactions
- Encouraging perspective-taking (“How do you think your friend felt when that happened?”)
Supporting Self-Regulation
Self-regulation is the ability to manage emotions and behaviour in a healthy way. Young children often struggle with this as their brains are still developing, particularly in the early years. We can help by:
- Teaching deep breathing techniques (like blowing out imaginary birthday candles)
- Providing a calm-down space at home
- Using predictable routines to create a sense of security
- Acknowledging their emotions while guiding appropriate responses
Encouraging Effective Communication
Children need help expressing their feelings and needs in constructive ways. Encouraging communication through:
- Naming emotions (“I can see you’re feeling frustrated.”)
- Using visual emotion charts to help younger children express their feelings
- Encouraging problem-solving (“What could we do differently next time?”)
- Using books and stories to explore emotions together (Australian authors like Trace Moroney’s The Feelings Series can be a great resource)
Managing Tantrums and Big Emotions
Tantrums are a normal part of childhood development, particularly in toddlers and preschoolers. They occur when a child feels overwhelmed and struggles to express themselves in an appropriate way. While tantrums can be challenging, they also present an opportunity to teach emotional regulation skills.
Age-Appropriate Strategies to Handle Emotional Outbursts
For Babies and Toddlers (0-3 years)
- Stay calm and offer comfort – a secure attachment helps them feel safe
- Use simple language to label emotions (“You’re sad because we had to leave the park.”)
- Redirect their attention to a different activity
For Preschoolers (3-5 years)
- Acknowledge and validate their feelings
- Offer choices to give them a sense of control (“Would you like to walk or hop to the car?”)
- Use playful strategies, such as singing a song or making a game out of transitions
For School-Aged Children (5+ years)
- Encourage them to talk about their feelings when they are calm
- Teach mindfulness techniques like belly breathing or visualisation
- Help them reflect on their emotions and brainstorm solutions together
The Power of Connection and Co-Regulation
Children are not born knowing how to manage their emotions—they rely on us to guide them. Co-regulation, where a trusted adult supports a child through their emotions, is a powerful way to build emotional intelligence. This means being present, staying calm, and offering guidance rather than punishment.
Rather than saying, “Stop crying,” try: “I see you’re upset. I’m here to help.”
By focusing on connection over correction, we teach children that all emotions are valid and manageable. Dr Vanessa Lapointe, a well-known Australian child psychologist, emphasises that children need to feel seen, heard, and understood before they can regulate their emotions effectively.
Raising emotionally intelligent children is about fostering empathy, self-regulation, and strong communication skills. Managing tantrums and big emotions in a supportive and age-appropriate way teaches children that emotions are not something to fear but rather to understand and express.
As parents, we are our children’s first teachers. By modelling emotional intelligence ourselves, validating their feelings, and guiding them through their big emotions, we equip them with the skills they need to thrive.
For further reading and support, visit Raising Children Network (raisingchildren.net.au) or explore Australian parenting books like Maggie Dent’s Mothering Our Boys and Dr Vanessa Lapointe’s Discipline Without Damage.